Another beginning

Sunday I re-enter ... I am FULL of awe and gratitude for the many ways I have received the companionship and comforting presence of the Lord during the last three months. I am FULL of memories now of examples and images of God's amazing Love. I will wait to see how I may be called to express the way that my faith has been tested...how my soul has been massaged and molded... It may not be in words or in direct conversations. It may be more about being attentive and available...being willing to serve "from" the experiences which have gifted this sabbatical time.

The tangible products of this time have been the 2009 Advent Devotional that will be tweaked and edited for distribution in November. I also have compiled the first draft of "Yes, With God's Help"...a Spiritual Formation Resource for leaders and followers in the church.

I don't know much more about the end of this sabbatical than that I am deeply, deeply grateful to the church for granting me and supporting this time, and to God for showing up in amazing ways throughout! I give thanks for the communities where I worshipped while away from CRLC....their hospitality was warm and wonderful! I am grateful for the many people (including my family) who offered places and privacy so that I could be a hermit! I offer the tangible products with love and with the hope that they in some way are of service to the church....but I offer all of "me" that has been transformed during this time to Christ...and to the Glory of God.

As for the rest....this is simply the beginning of another phase....and I enter it asking God to help and guide me in whatever purpose or function He desires.

Blessings and peace to all of you who have companioned me....
Pamela

Let me stay a while!

At my most recent spiritual direction session, I was oozing with joy regarding the delight of hours of prayer ... and the blessing of basking with others (in silence) in Holy Space and Time. You see, I met with my spiritual director just days after I returned from the Abbey of the Genessee. At one point I said: Ah, wouldn't it be wonderful to always be this "way" with others...no need to impress or impose oneself... simply be together with no other focus than the Lord. Sr. M. burst out laughing....and said, "Oh, come back to earth, Pamela!!!!"

I was sounding like Peter, who at the sight of Jesus' Transfiguration wanted to find some way to "house" the glorious moment. I can't contain what I have experienced. I can't stay forever on the mountaintop of days that are so separate from the public ministry to which I am called.

In many ways, my soul has delighted in a heightened awareness of God's glory. I haven't climbed mountains, literally, while on sabbatical. But I have travelled trails within my own spiritual landscape...some of which have been "extreme adventure". There have been rapid descents into valleys as well as straining, gripping grasping rock climbs. I have done some rappelling and bungee jumping. Even some free falling. I have stumbled a few times, become breathless and weary legged...but I have also sprinted and soared. I have stood by fountains of His flowing water...and I have stretched my arms upwards at the summit of mountain top experiences.

I am beginning to assemble my thoughts, my prayers and my heart for my return. Part of my time next week will be unstructured and unscheduled....just as it is wise to "collect" the gifts given after a time of worship or retreat, it is part of the sabbatical process to take time to simply rest in gratitude for all that has been given. I will also prayerfully wait and listen for any closing comments the Lord may have to speak to the ears of my heart.

It takes practice to move gently and mindfully from one pace to another. This is true whether I am sailing in high winds, shifting gears in my pickup truck or encouraging a horse to go from a walk to a canter to a full gallop.

This sabbatical time doesn't need to end with a screeching halt....nor do I need to enter my role at CRLC as one who is hitting the floor running.

I am deeply grateful for all that has been given. And I trust that He will guide me to the places and the people where I am to serve "from" those good gifts.

Gratitude

The divine will is a deep sea, the surface of which is the present moment. If you plunge into this sea you will find it infinitely vaster than your desires.
Jean-Pierre de Caussade in The Joy of Full Surrender.

During the sabbatical my acts of service have not been very public. As I have been absent from the context of that public ministry, I have learned much about surrender. I pray that these lessons will spill over into the days when sabbatical has ended. The lessons have been about being intentionally present to God every single moment, looking for the nudge that draws my attention to what is being called for RIGHT NOW.

At my most recent meeting with my spiritual director, I shared some of the various twists and turns of the last couple of weeks. There have been many, many unexpected happenings, mostly related to the impermanency of material things. There have also been reminders of the flow of time -- change is constantly on the horizon -- and as long as one is alive, one is also moving upon the path of mortality...until flesh and blood, and all that is of nature's life must simply surrender and become a part of the eternal.

My mother and my mother in law are both increasingly frail...in their mid-80's. Every time I visit them I notice just a bit more slippage...but it is, so far, a smooth and gentle slippage.

Just last week I visited one of my dearest friends -- we used to sail together on a regular basis when he and I were both much younger. I smile as I write that, because even then he was in his early 80's and I was in my mid 40's). He's 94 now...and frail in mind, body...but not in spirit! Our visit closed with our deep appreciation for our relationship...and with a clear understanding that this "farewell" might well be the last time we would see each other in this life.

I returned from that visit to discover that my geriatric cat...17 years...had taken a fairly serious "turn" for the worse. We were able to provide some relief without heroic measures, and now she is home being coddled and pampered so that this phase of her life is as contented is possible.

It is true that time is always passing....and that the present moment is lush with God's love. God draws us nearer to His heart, where the pulse of His will blends with our present moment and transforms our simplest actions into grateful ministry.

There are times when we are vigorous and we are drawn into service that is energetic, active, and visible to the public in marvellous ways. Then those moments pass, and we move into times when our service is to be nothing other than being present for those who are weaker than us, and who trust us enough to be vulnerable and totally dependent upon us.

I have had the blessing and privilege of both -- the time to be actively and publicly leading and serving, as well as the time to be more quiet...serving in small ways that are apparent only to the one in need. These moments ebb and flow. At times my mind and my desires are not in harmony with what is being called for in the present moment...but I AM learning. I am learning the Joy of Surrender.

Wisdom and contentment radiate from God's heart. Each moment that we surrender the struggle to follow a self-determined course (even though it seems to be a good course) we are enfolded in the perfect attitude that will open our hearts to what is TRULY "good" according to God's will. We then can let all that we are and all that we do be an expression of gratitude...a thanksgiving...

Let us bless the Lord. Thanks be to God!